And so begins my good ol' bus ride to NYC, Megabus style.
I fucking hate Megabus. Actually, I just fucking hate buses. They're dirty, uncomfortable, smelly,... and it always takes a few extra hours to get to said destination than it would if you were in the passenger seat of a car with a 90 year old woman.
I am surrounded by annoying Asians that speak in their foreign tongue- GOD, how they can talk. They never travel alone- they always gotta have their little entourage and they always seem to have something to say to each other, so they just never. shut. up.
Then there's that dude's iPod behind me. SO LOUD. UGH. It sounds like really bad soul music with terrible drums. I'd consider busting out my own iPod with some euro trance or loud, blood curtling metal. But then I would waste my own battery and sista wouldn't have motivation music for her morning workout. (Wait a minute.. did I just hear Brandy & Monica's "The Boy is Mine?" Holy fuck. I did. I cannot believe my ears. That's it, my Legally Blonde soundtrack is busting itself out asap).
Oh, ok, now there's another Asian chewing with their mouth open. Lemme tell ya something: I'm half Irish, half English. The Irish is a cursing, angry, sarcastic motherfucker who can out-drink anyone with shots of whiskey. The English side is overly polite. Courteous. Well-mannered. You do NOT chew with your mouth open. I could hear you clear across a room. Close your fucking mouth and have some respect. It's fucking disgusting. No one wants to see the two-hour old McDonald's french fry remains in your mouth. NO ONE. And your boyfriend is just as nauseating, just because he puts up with your lack of social etiquette. Barf.
I'm not innocent either. I'm tip tip tapping away on my keyboard, so I'm contributing in the lovely soundtrack of ghetto bus sounds too. Every time I start to feel bad I have to catch myself and remind myself of the other contributing musicians of this chorus.
We stop at Buffalo airport next and the seats will be a fillin.' I'd like to think I've kinda mastered the technique of silently refusing to move over. Follow these little guys below to avoid becoming the victim of an already uncomfortable ghetto bus ride:
Tip #1:
Take up that empty seat, dammit. Throw your purse there, your suitcase, your laptop- the more, the better. Take off your coat and throw it on top of everything else. This makes it look unwelcoming. The person sees how much CRAP is on your seat and realizes, "Hey! They can't move over, they have too much STUFF! It will be a very uncomfortable ride for both of us. I'll just move on to the row with the cute little kid playing video games.."
Tip #2:
SLEEP. If you aren't really sleeping, LOOK LIKE IT. This person doesn't know you. The last thing they want to do is gently tap your shoulder and whisper sweet nothings in your ear to get your ass to move over.
Tip #3:
If you have food, put it out immediately. Display its entirety on that empty seat. You want it to look like you're in the middle of the best meal of your life. I mean, how dare they interrupt your lovely pot roast dinner that Grandma packed for you?
To sum it all up: The more complicated, the better. People don't like to interact with one other. They want to say as little as possible in the least amount of time. They want the seat next to the young college boy with a tiny backpack. Or the business man reading a newspaper. They want someone that looks remotely conscious who can slide to the next seat as quickly as a jackrabbit hops across a track field. They do NOT want someone who needs to be woken up from a dream with their loved one or needs to pack up all their makeup that has mysteriously fallen all over said seat.
Uh oh, the passengers are starting to pile on. Time for some "zzzz's..." But not until I've laid out an elegant spread of leftover filet-o-fish wrappers..
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